Chronicles of a Millennial Mum: The anxiety

Oh man, it’s been a while since I posted. Do you know why? Because I procrastinate. Because I have a toddler. I am a mum. Who desperately needs her mum 😦 It’s okay I can do it.

I can’t.

My daughter is almost 19 months now. It’s been 19 months of “Wtf am I doing?” 18 months of constant anxiety about whether I’m making the right choices as a mum. Whether I’m doing the right thing for her. Sometimes I look at the mirror, and I’m unsure who this person is. When did the white hair start to grow so much? When are the stretch marks going to go? When am I going to lose all the baby weight?

Your mind is constantly asking questions, and there’s no answer.

When am I going to go cook? When the baby sleeps. When am I going to clean? When the baby sleeps. When am I going to sleep? When the baby sleeps. And you know what the annoying thing is? You get shamed for wanting “me” time.

I want my “me” time not to do the house chores, and not to work. I want my “me” time to talk to, nobody. I want my “me” time to do nothing. I want my “me” time to paint my nails and to watch a silly rom-com while they dry. You get laughed at and ridiculed for asking for this. “You’re a mum now, you don’t need me time. Your job now is taking care of your baby and your house 24/7”

Nobody shames the dad for hanging out with friends, or eating out, or coming home to a clean house or a warm lunch, but you get shamed cause you didn’t clean, you get shamed cause you were too lazy to cook.

But, you’re not lazy. You’re burned out.

Now throughout my pregnancy, my anxiety levels were up the roof. And thanks to Covid, it was sky-high. My brain was constantly going through circles about every little thing. With your family overseas and limited social interaction, it makes things even worse. You don’t want to worry your family who are not with you, and you don’t want to make them feel helpless, so you bottle up. All the fun activities that you were looking forward to doing, are now canceled. The baby shower became a meeting on Zoom, the friends meeting baby had to be to the minimum. My joy with my first baby was never 100% complete.

Then there was the never-ending loop of being stuck in a house with a baby: You wake up, feed the baby, make breakfast, entertain the baby, make lunch, feed yourself and the baby, clean the toys up, sleep, repeat. I remember this one time, my husband and daughter slept at 10 pm, and I stayed awake until 2 am just because I can. I put on a facemask, I put on a funny movie, I had some unhealthy tasty snacks. And it felt amazing. Did I regret it when the baby was crying at 6 am? Absolutely I did, but it was worth it.

I really don’t have an answer for this. Yes, I could be all like: Leave the baby for a couple of hours with the dad, and you go hang out, go grab some coffee with friends, go do your thing. It’s easier said than done. I’ve been planning to have a girl’s night out for – not exaggerating – 3 months! You want to juggle and tetrix the shit out of the following:

• Cleaning
• Doing the dishes
• Putting the baby to bed
• Finishing your work
• Folding the sky-high laundry
• Taking a shower
• Getting dressed and feeling pretty.

And this feels like such a long list, so you cancel the plans, you finish one of the tasks you were meant to finish, you get burnt out. You want to hang out. You feel like those two hours would be spent doing some of these things. You cancel those plans. You feel burnt out. Rinse and repeat.

The thing I keep telling myself is: Ask. For. Help. It’s okay, just do it. Just ask your husband, your friend, your neighbor. It’s okay that you’re exhausted and it’s okay to ask for help. I need to be more okay to speak up and ask for help, and accept if that person is unable to do it at that time. What happens is: My anxiety goes through the roof while I ask for help, and if the person I ask cannot do what I ask them to do, I take it super personally, and then I shut down. Maybe we were raised this way? Maybe millennial kids are just too fragile? I don’t know, man.

I’m even too tired to end this article. So I’mma shut up here.

Chronicles of a Millennial Mom

Hello fellow mamas! Welcome to your ugly truth of enjoying motherhood. Here, I’ll be sharing some snippets of being, not only a millennial – the generation who’ll forever be confused and anxious as f*** – but also, got married and decided to bring kids to this world.

Oh, and there will be lots of swearing, so if you’re one of those judgy moms with their lululemon pants, this blog is not for you. Please get on with your perfect little life.

Okay, are we ready now? Let’s go.

This will not be an Instagram-pink-heart-feel-good type of blog. You know these Instagram mom accounts where the moms look gorgeous, with their makeup and lashes always done and their house is always clean? Her four kids and husband look like they are walking off of the runway? I hate those moms!

One swipe on their page and you already feel like shit. You have a messy hair bun that has been up for days, there is spit and vomit on your shirt, and there are toys everywhere. So today, we don’t want to do that, we don’t want moms to feel like shit, like I did. I won’t tell you it’s easy, but maybe I’ll help you out when you can’t sleep at night.

This blog is not going to be in chronological order, or following anything specific. I’ll write what I want when I want. I’ll write what my readers want to read (:

Raising a kid is hard, mama. They say it takes a village to raise a child, they’re not wrong. And you know what’s worse, you’re not even in your country, or with your family, and it gets overwhelming. I promise you I have a piece dedicated just for this: The loneliness.

And let me get one thing straight: You don’t have a baby cause you’re bored. Or you’re reconciling with your partner. Or you just had make-up sex. Or because you felt lonely. Or the in-laws are stressing you out. You have a baby when you’re physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially stable and ready – I can’t even stress the last part hard enough.

But on the other hand, raising a kid is a blessing. There’s a tiny human in your belly that you feel since day 1. Watch them grow, get all the parenting books you can put your hands on, had heartburn, puke your stomach out in morning sickness, then you push out for HOURS, man, and you tear down there (Or they cut you up!) then you get to hold a tiny mushy potato that has no features wrapped like a burrito, but you fall in love with them forever. A piece of your heart is outside of your body in this human. You literally can’t help but fall in love. Everyday.

But I also want to smack this little toddler. They are vicious. But that’s another story.

This is just an introduction, you’ll see me again in either depressing writings, or funny, or black comedy, cause this is my coping mechanism. And I hope my writings can make you relate a little, and realize that you’re not in this alone. We are all in this together.

*cue High School Musical Song*

Joker – 2019

I’m usually very detached when I watch movies: it’s art. And it’s not real. Joker broke all the expectations I had. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I left the theatre – a week later and I’m still thinking about it – the hall fell silent, proceeded with high applause when it ended. Joaquin Phoenix set the bar way too high (PS: Not intended to compare him with any other Joker cause each had their interpretation – except for Jared Leto, that was shit)

Anyways back to our Joker. The colour grading throughout the movie is amusing, it starts dark then halfway it turns to brighter colours with his red and orange suit. The first half Arthur Flick is just trying to go through his day with no joy and fighting his laughter and his mental illness. Midway we see Arthur’s slow turn into Joker and he finally embraces his madness – the dance down the stairs.

 

 

The soundtrack is haunting, nothing over the top and no clichés, yet very slow mellow music that adds colour to the already dark frame. I found out that the composer Hildur Guðnadóttir is the same composer of Chernobyl HBO. Honestly, a 3000 words essay will not fulfill discussing how in awe I am with the directing and cinematography because it’s magnificent, and I’m planning to see the movie again just to appreciate it.

Now what really blew mind is Phoenix’s performance. For starters, the way he lost weight that you can see his bones through his skin is skin-crawling. The way he’s slouching in his stand, he walks with his head down gives a very depressing look into mental illness.

Why is this movie so realistic and kept hitting home for so many people? When you watch a “horror” movie like IT, which also has a clown; you might get scared cause this it is a scary movie which cultivates your feeling into, but in the back of your mind you know it’s not real. No clown will grab you from the sewers.

When you watch any superhero movie – that also includes the Dark knight (Batman VS Joker) Good VS evil, you know it’s pure fiction. You do enjoy it, you love the acting, but the good guy saves it all. It’s a superhero movie at the end of the day! In Phoenix’s Joker, there’s no good guy, hell there’s no even bad guy! All we see is a person who was a victim of childhood trauma, a mother who was not fit to raise a child, and a system who wasn’t able to help him, in his case talking to someone and allowing him medications.

**Major spoilers here**

In the first third of the movie, Arthur gets bullied by three blue-collar dudes who work at Wayne Enterprises – Wayne is also running for mayor – and Arthur, wearing his clown suit shoots them dead. Arthur runs panicking to a public washroom, instead of hiding the gun or washing his face, he pauses for a second and mesmerizingly dances.  

And so I thought that must be his turning point.

He then got mocked on TV by his favorite comedy icon, which deeply crushed him. And I thought “Okay, that’s definitely his turning point”

His hopes and dreams just keep on shattering when he visits Arkham Asylum and finds out that not only his mother lied to him about his childhood, she was also a reason for the abuse the left him broken. Another turning point.

But in reality, there were no turning points in Arthur’s life. Shit has been piling up since he was a child and it just kept going downhill. 

“Happy, Hmm? I haven’t been happy one day out of my entire fucking life” Arthur, right before he ends his adopted mother’s life with a pillow.

The statement that kept poking me in the back of my head was: This is a very dangerous movie. It shows a lot of colours of mental illness, and what could happen if it’s not addressed. Joaquin Phoenix portrays it beautifully, the way he has uncontrollable laughter, he kills his mum and goes dancing on the stairs with his red suit, he seems more comfortable, and finally when he was sitting backstage for his comedy icon backstage and what happens next.

This is not a Batman movie, it’s not an action-filled suspense movie, maybe that’s why some people didn’t like it. It didn’t give them the adrenaline rush they were looking for. After all, this is a very slow background story of how Joker became Joker. Previous stories of Joker was like “Oh, let’s throw him in bleach”

This one: “Let’s throw him in a society and see how he takes it”

Final thoughts: I’m genuinely worried about Joaquin Phoenix, as this was a masterpiece of a one-man show that he gracefully carried. I think that was a very tough role, and I couldn’t stop putting Heath Ledger into the picture, and I really hope he’s doing okay.

I didn’t leave the theatre feeling heavy and depressed as some did, but more of heavy and concerned. I enjoyed every minute of it, and to me it was a 10/10, I can’t think of a mistake. Kudos to every single person who worked on this movie.

I can’t wait to see it and enjoy the aesthetics again, will probably keep on adding things to this review.

Once upon a time in… Hollywood

Not a professional reviewer, I’d like to rant from time to time about a movie I just watched.

I was very very eager when I saw the poster for both Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio together, directed and produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino. No one should miss that, right? So when my husband and I got a chance, we dove right in.

The move is around 2 hours and 30 minutes long, and I thought, this is going to be a hell of TinTin’s ride.

I’m not gonna give away the story to avoid spoilers if you wanna see it, but I’ll go ahead and talk about some points of what makes or breaks the movie.

The acting of Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio is undeniably amazing, they both deliver excellent performance, especially DiCaprio; I think it’s his best performance to date. However, there’s minor character development throughout the movie – we don’t see them mature. There are some unexplained scenes of Cliff’s (Pitt) house, vs Rick’s (Dicaprio) that I thought will serve a purpose later, but we all know how Tintin loves to mess with us.

Margot Robbie doesn’t say a full sentence throughout the entire movie, she’s just there to smile and look pretty. Which – in my humble opinion – is an awful interpretation of Sharon Tate, which ridiculed her death *murder* and reduced her from a gorgeous actress of the sixties, to a complete airhead.

Robbie on the left, Tate on the right

If you’re an avid reader, Tintin briefly mentions Charles Manson and his cult *who did murder Tate and a few others* but the connection is barely there in the movie that you can’t make it until a few hours after that – and I think it was a really good chance to put a little background on what happened that night. But Tintin makes what he wants, I guess.

The movie was set in the 1960s; the styling, props, dialogue, colour schemes and housing decor gave all a beautiful sense of old school Hollywood. Even the hippies – however, I don’t feel they were fairly portrayed, but showing them as chaotic presence. Cinematography was incredible, and although I did enjoy the 60s vibe I felt that Tintin was showing off how much good knowledge of old Hollywood he had.

Unfortunately, the movie gets a bit boring in the middle, and different stories and characters are being thrown in for the shock factor, but with no purpose. So if you do go to the washroom and skip a few minutes in the first 2 hours, you’re fine. You didn’t miss anything.

Until the last 45 minutes. Cliff (Brad Pitt) gets high on acid (brilliant) and classic Tarantino with all his gory, disgusting bloody scenes and adrenaline comes rushing in. The movie goes from 0 to 500  quickly that you don’t even realize what’s going on and I thought “Yes! Here’s Tintin that we know” just when I get cozy watching the very fast pace insane scene, the movie ends.

Ultimate disappointment.

If you really want to enjoy a classic Tarantino movie, start after an hour in, so you don’t waste the whole three hours without getting the chance to pee.

A teacher’s story – Part 1

*For the sake of clarity and shortage, all teachers, instructors, professors, lecturers and any other job that falls under educators will simply be named teacher in this story.

Do you know how most teenage/young adult movies that happen inside colleges and high school, focus on students; their first day, their rushed thoughts, and their anxiety? That’s cool, we get to know what are they thinking of and it sets the mood for the rest of the few hours you’re going to watch, depending on what genre it is. But what about what happens on the other side? The teachers and the professors; how do they feel? What’s going on in their minds a few seconds before entering their hall or their classroom?

Have you ever thought of that? No. You don’t care.

We know that teaching is a demanding job, but why isn’t there a movie talking about their dramas, their grading, their relationships with the students and co-workers? What happens behind the scenes? Well, lucky for you, I’m a college instructor and happy to walk you through what happens in my professional life, that also overlaps to my personal life.

This story is not for professors who’ve been working for 23466354 years – don’t judge me, please move along. This story is for struggling instructors/teachers and newbies, you might relate, you might not relate, and that’s okay.

What happens on your first day of school/college? As a student, you’re overwhelmed with thoughts about your teachers, your grades, who you’re going to sit with, who’s going to be mean to you and who’s going to be your friend. Well, guess what, this is exactly what we think when it’s our first day of classes too!

Will the students like me? I don’t want to sound too friendly so they don’t ride me, but I also don’t want to sound like a strict-tough ass, I hated them as a student – Did I print out my syllabus? Let me take another look, there might be a typo and I might be overthinking.

Does this look right? Do I look a bit too casual? I should wear sneakers, right? But I’m going to be standing I need to be comfortable. This is tiring already!

You get into class and you say your good mornings and your mind is already rushing with thoughts “What are those little one thinking about me?” – But you know what’s worse? When these guys are international students and they side-talk in a different language, believe me: it’s a nightmare and you’ll always assume the worst.

The trick is, we don’t just show up to the first day of classes, we’re already working at least a couple of weeks earlier. Or a day before if you’re a nasty procrastinator.

I see you, you sneaking and smiling and thinking, “Haha, I don’t. Because I do it the night before!”

Yes, the procrastination process – we’ll discuss this later.

Don’t worry, dear. Almost all of us do that. The good ones who don’t, give yourself a pat on the back.

So, you have your slides ready, what you’re gonna do, and even what you’re gonna say – I’m pretty sure you have some note cards that say “Good morning students, guys” cause you want to sound firm, but cool. Professional, but hip. You have a card for almost everything you’ll be talking about.

These first hours of your class would feel like a fucking eternity – your palms are sweaty, and those damn clock arms aren’t moving. They go by fine and you’re finally in your office. You’ll now be either trying to sit quietly to calm down with music in your ears, or you’ll chat/call your favorite person and reliving your day with them. Things are so clear in your brain.

Now moving on from dealing with the first day with students to dealing with the first day with colleagues. But let’s leave that to another story, shall we?

A Teacher’s Nightmare

An actual nightmare. Like the ones we get when we sleep, you know?

Let me rewind a little: I’ve been working as a full-time media instructor for a year now, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever taken. The instant impact you see on your students faces, or how grateful they are for you helping them out. Of course on the other hand, you feel like you either need to murder yourself or them – whichever is easier because you are mentally exhausted.

I can talk about the perks of being a teacher/instructor forever, but there’s this one little thing that has been bugging me since I started.

A few days before my very first day at work and I had this weird dream – students are making fun of me. I can’t control them. The more I yell and the angrier I get, makes them laugh even more. My first class in my dream was a total disaster.

I was sweating like a pig the minute I entered my class – I was nervous but I tried to sound calm. Guess what? They were scared too! Most of them were newcomers and were shy, calm and nervous from being in a new country and a new college.

First semester went on fine, and I thought hey, am getting the hang of this. There are definitely things that I need to work on, but it went just fine. I won’t have any problems preparing for the upcoming semester.

Few days before my 2nd semester, the same dream happens. Of course in some changes in dialogue; like leaving the room and ignoring me. Pointing at me and making fun cause I have booger hanging down my nose. But in real life, my first day is completely different. And I’m the one who is always in control.

And they are scared cause you’re in charge of failing or passing them.

But what’s different this semester, or the reason I decided to talk about it wasn’t similar. So, I posted my grades and submitted all student inquiries less than a week ago, and I was mentally preparing myself for the winter break. Usually, the dream comes in few days before the semester starts, but this one decided to pay a visit few days after the semester ended. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

It was more aggressive than usual, I was yelling my lungs out, but they weren’t listening. I messed up their syllabus, and I didn’t have enough copies – I run to the printing machine which doesn’t print and eats up half of my lecture time. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! I was running through the halls when another instructor saw me, “Shit, now they know I’m behind and not in my lecture hall.”

I released the biggest sigh when I woke up and traced back my thoughts that I’ve been off for the past few days and it was a nightmare. I had a talk about it with a colleague; “I’ve been teaching for the past 10 years and it doesn’t stop. Sometimes it gets worse.”

Well, thank you so fucking much.

Teachers around the world, does this happen? Have you gotten over it? What do you do to break the stress of the first day?

If only students knew.

E.L.F. Haul – Review

MAKE UP.

I’m not a make up expert by any means. I could never pull what those Youtube Stars are able to pull – putting tens of layers and don’t look like a cake. But, I do like buying – hoarding – make up, and experimenting. Luckily, I don’t end up trashy. Phew!

Yellow Roses

She felt the velvety flowers as it brushed against her skin. Knowing that this is the last time she would see him, her stomach tied up a knot. The museum, what a strange place to meet, it was surprisingly packed; she heard tens of footsteps surrounding her yet it felt as if they were miles away.

Although she only waited for 3 minutes, she lost sense of time and felt like forever before he came walking in. It was as if she was seeing him for the first time, her spine shivered as he took her hands in his for hello, just like how they shook the first time they met. He drew her closer, and his cologne filled the air around her and took in as much as she can through her lungs. She handed him the bouquet of yellow roses and he flashed her this dazzling smile of his, as a thank you.

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Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome ^_^

Lush Haul – Review Part 2

I’m back with part 2. Yay.

If you missed part 1, here it is.

Lush Haul – Review Part 1

First product review ever. So excited about this!